Jokes about animals

– What does an elephant use as a tampon??
– sheep.

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– What did the elephant say to the naked guy?
– How can you breathe through something so small?

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– What did the elephant say to the naked guy?
– It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?

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– What did the elephant say to the naked guy?
– How do you drink water?

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– What did the snail say when he crossed the road on the turtle's back??
– Yahoo!

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Father shark teaches his son to hunt swimming people.
– You first swim slowly to the man and swim around him. Then you swim around it again, but more slowly.
– This, and you can't grab it and eat it right away?
– You can. If you prefer with shit…

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A man came to the pet store wanting to buy a parrot.
– How much is the yellow one?? – he asked the seller.
– Two thousand.
– You're crazy?! Two thousand for a parrot?
– Because this is no ordinary parrot. He writes perfectly on the computer.
– How much does the green one cost??
– Five thousand. green, except typing on the computer, he also answers phones and takes notes.
– How much do you want for the red one??
– Ten thousand.
– What can she do??
– Thread.
– That's why it costs so much?
– Because those two are talking to her “boss”.

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A farmer had a sad horse. He made an announcement, that will pay a lot for it, who cheered up the horse. Some guy showed up. The farmer took him to the stable. The guy entered the horse's box. After a while he left, and the horse began to laugh. He collected the agreed amount from the farmer and disappeared.
After a few days, the farmer calls the guy:
– Lord, do something! This horse laughs all the time. I'll pay you twice as much, just let it stop.
The guy came and entered the horse's stall. The minutes didn't last, when he left, and the distraught horse began to cry. Satisfied farmer paid and asks:
– Lord, how did you do it, that on cue the horse began to laugh, and now cry again?
– The first time I told him, I am longer than him. And he started laughing.
– I see. But what have you done now??
– Now I went in and showed him.

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– I hope, that I am not venomous – said the snake.
– Why? – asked the other.
– Because I just bit my lip.

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– What happened to the blind skunk?
– He fell in love with a fart.

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The farmer decided to buy a second rooster. It is true that the old rooster was still doing his job well, but he was old. So the farmer bought a young bird at the local market and released it into the yard. The old rooster saw the rooster strutting proudly and got a little worried. He went to the new one.
– So you're supposed to be a new sire? You probably think, that you are great at this job? All right, that my time for the slaughterhouse has not yet come. I bet, that I'm even better than you, and just to let you know, I'm challenging you to a race around the chicken coop. We will do ten laps and which will be first, he will get all the chickens for himself.
The young rooster was very proud and thought, that the old is no enemy.
– Agreement – he replied. – And because I am generous, I'll give you a half-lap advantage at the start. I will win easily.
The race has begun, and all the hens cheered on the old rooster. After the first lap, the old rooster held his lead. After the second, his advantage diminished a bit. With each subsequent lap, the young rooster was getting closer. After the fifth he was right behind the old rooster.
The farmer heard the commotion. He ran home to get the shotgun judging, that the fox broke into the henhouse. As he ran out into the yard, saw two roosters running around the henhouse – the old one was still slightly ahead of the young one. The farmer took aim and shot the cub.
– Cholera, this is the third gay cock, which I bought this month.

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– what will come out, when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?
– A two-meter toothbrush.

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– What did the doe say, as she ran out of the bushes?
– I will never do that again 5 zlotys.

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– Same with the onion – asks the fly in the bar. – Just not too many onions, because my mouth will stink.

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Two flies are sitting on shit.
– But I want to fart – says one.
– come on?! When eating?

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The bear pooped in the forest.
– Hare, you have this problem too, your poo sticks to your fur? – he asked a hare passing by.
– Not – he replied when asked.
– That's great! – the bear grabbed a hare and wiped himself with it.

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– How the pine got pregnant?
– By a woodpecker.

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Two falcons were throwing themselves down from a high rock. They spread their wings just above the ground. The wolf was watching.
– Why do you do that?? – he asked curiously.
– Because we're slackers.
– Can I with you? – asked the wolf.
– Clearly.
The wolf climbed the rock and jumped with the birds. They're all going down speeding. Earth is getting closer.
– wolf, and so you can fly? – one of the falcons asked.
– Not.
– Damn, you're just a slacker.

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Two fleas are talking:
– We go on foot or catch a dog?

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In a pet store, a guy saw a parrot without legs. Surprised, he bent over her.
– Hello, colleague, how can you hang from this branch without legs?
– I wrap my little parrot penis around the twig like a hook.
– Wow, you're a smart beast. I'm taking you home.
Days and weeks pass, and the parrot not only understands everything, what is said to her, but she still gives advice. The guy is delighted. One day he comes home from work, the parrot speaks:
– I do not know, whether to tell you, because it involves your wife and the postman.
– What happened?
– When the postman came today, your wife greeted him in her nightgown and kissed him on the lips.
– And what was then?
– The postman came in and lifted your wife's shirt.
– Oh no! And what's next?
– I don't know any more, because my penis hardened and I fell off the branch.

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A guy saw his dog with a neighbor's rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead and the guy got scared. He plucked the dirty rabbit out of the dog's mouth. He took the pet home, he bathed and dried himself, then discreetly placed him in a cage at a neighbor's house. He hoped, that the neighbor recognizes, that the rabbit died of natural causes. A few days later, he met a neighbor.
– you heard, that my rabbit died? – asked a neighbor.
– Don't listen… and what happened? – he stuttered uncertainly.
– One day I found him dead in a cage – the neighbor explained. – But the strangest thing is this, that the day after, as I buried it, someone dug it up, bathed him and put him back in his cage. There are sick people in the world.

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Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Bo to za daleko, to go on foot.

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Lone male frog, thirsty for any company, he calls the hotline, to find out, what the future holds for him.
– You will meet a beautiful one, a young girl, who wants to know everything about you – says psychologist.
– Excellent – the frog enjoys. – And where will I meet her?? At work, at some party?
– Not – answers the psychologist. – At school, in biology classes.

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A young tortoise laboriously climbs a large tree. After an hour, he reaches a high branch and follows it to the end. Turns, stretches out its four paws and breaks away from the branch. He lands downstairs on a pile of leaves. He shakes himself, he goes to the foot of the tree and starts climbing again. After an hour, he reaches a high branch and walks to its end. Turns, spreads its paws and breaks away from the branch. Falling on the list, he shakes himself, he goes to the foot of the tree and starts another climb.
The actions of the turtle are watched by a pair of small birds.
– you don't think so, it's time, to tell him, that he is adopted – says the female to the male.

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Two hikers were walking through the forest, when suddenly a bear jumped out from behind the bushes and started chasing them. They ran away, to save a life. At one point, one of them stopped, to put on running shoes.
– What are you doing? – his companion asked him. – You can't escape the bear?
– I don't need to escape the bear – he replied when asked. – Enough, that I will overtake you.

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A gray gander entered the bar.
– Whiskey on ice, please – he turned to the bartender.
The bartender looked at the gander amused but handed him a drink.
– What do you mean? Why are you still looking at me? – asked the gander.
– Apart from that, that you say? I have a drink on the menu, who inherited his name from you – explained the bartender.
– You have a drink called Ed?