Jokes about old age

Jokes about old age

80-year-old man went for a check-up.
– How do you feel? – the doctor asked.
– I've never felt better – answered the old man. – I have an 18 year old wife, who is pregnant with my child. And what do you say to that??
The doctor thought for a moment.
– I'll tell you a story. My friend is an avid hunter. He hasn't missed a season. One day he was in a hurry and took an umbrella instead of a rifle. When he was in the forest, suddenly an enraged bear appeared in front of him. My friend pointed an umbrella at it, He pressed the handle and you know what happened?
– Not. Co?
– The bear fell dead because of him.
– It is impossible! – exclaimed the old man. – Someone else must have shot the bear.
– That's what I'm getting at – the doctor replied.

* * *

* * *

A policeman stopped an old lady speeding in a car. She was driving in a built-up area.
– Can I see your driver's license?
– I don't have. It was taken away from me two years ago for drunk driving.
– Do you have the vehicle registration certificate? – the policeman frowned.
– I don't have either. I killed the driver and stole the car. I've got the driver's body in the trunk.
– Please wait – said the policeman and went to the police car to call the commander. The supervisor showed up five minutes later. He walked over to the windows of the old woman's car.
– I'll have your driver's license, please – he threw sternly.
– Here you go, sir – The old woman smiled modestly and took a document out of her handbag.
– And the registration certificate?
– Please – The old woman reached into the glove box and handed him the ID.
– Please open the trunk.
The trunk was empty.
– And that liar probably told you, I was driving like crazy – she said reproachfully, pointing her finger at the policeman, who stopped her.

* * *

– doctor, please help me. Mam 100 years old and I sleep with women.
– So where is the problem?
– I don't remember, Why.

* * *

Hansel noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch. It was chilly, and Grandpa was completely naked from the waist down.
– Grandpa, why are you sitting without pants? – Hansel asked.
– It's your grandma's idea – answered the old man. – Last week I sat shirtless and my neck stiffened.

* * *

80-an old man married a 21-year-old. After a year, they had a child. The doctor came out to the waiting man and said, that the boy weighs 4300 g.
– The old engine is still running – said the old man.
Another child was born the following year.
– The girl weighs 3700g – the doctor informed.
– The old engine is still running – answered the old man.
A year later, the third child was born.
– The boy weighs 4800g – said the doctor.
– The old engine is still running – said the old man proudly.
– So – the doctor replied – but its time to change the oil, because the boy has black skin.

* * *

An old man came to the pharmacy. He asked for two pills of Viagra but demanded, for the pharmacist to divide them into halves.
– All right – said the pharmacist. – But you realize, then they won't be as effective?
– Listen son… Mam 80 lat. I don't want them for sex. I need them, for the little one to stand up, I wouldn't pee in my shoes.

* * *

Did you hear, that they are now giving Viagra to old men in nursing homes?
This is to prevent them from rolling out of bed.

* * *

70-year-old Adam was going to marry a 20-year-old.
– Are you sure, that's a good idea? – friend tried to talk him out of it. – You thought about it, what will be for 10 lat?
– like what? – Adam was surprised. – I'll chase the old woman away.

* * *

– Doctor, please help me – says the old man to the doctor. – I just got married to a 21-year-old. She's hot and everything, what he wants, is to make love all day long.
– So what is the problem? – the doctor asks.
– I forgot where I live.

* * *

An old couple went for a walk. At one point, a pigeon flew over them and poked the old lady on the head.
– Give me a piece of toilet paper – she turned to her husband.
– What for? – he was surprised – he's already half a mile away.

* * *

The resident of the retirement home was walking around with the zipper of his trousers open and holding his penis.
– Whar are you doing sir? – asked the young nurse.
– He died today – he replied.
– Oj, this is terrible – she said.
The next day, the man walked around with his penis hanging from his unbuttoned pants.
– I thought, that he died yesterday – the same nurse was surprised.
– Died – the old man explained. – Today is the exhibit.

* * *

Irena, a small old woman heard the doorbell ring. When she opened, there stood a well-dressed young man with a vacuum cleaner in his hands.
– Good morning Lady – he said. – If I could take a few minutes with you, I'd like to show you a state-of-the-art, powerful vacuum cleaner.
– Thank you, I'm not interested! I have no money. – replied Irene brusquely and wanted to close the door.
The young man quickly slipped his foot into it.
– Please don't make rash decisions – he said. – At least until you see a demonstration.
And saying it, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hall rug.
– If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces from the carpet, I will personally take the rest.
– If so, will you allow me, I'll bring a spoon – said Irene, drawing back with a smile. – No electricity since morning.

* * *

65-summer woman gave birth to a boy. When she came back from the hospital, her cousins ​​visited her, to see the baby.
– You'll see him in a moment, let's have a coffee first.
– Then show us your boyfriend – cousin asked after 30 minutes.
– Not, not yet.
– We can see him now? – her cousin asked after another few minutes.
– Not, Not yet.
– That's when we see him? – relatives became impatient.
– How she cries.
– How she cries?! Why do we have to wait for her to cry?
– Because I forgot, where i put it.

* * *

An old couple goes to bed. Grandpa goes to bed, and grandma is lying on the floor.
– Why are you lying on the floor?
– I want to feel something hard for a change.

* * *

An elderly pensioner went to the store to buy cat food.
– I can't sell you this food unless you provide proof, that he actually has a cat – said the salesman. – Retirees often eat cat food themselves.
The old lady went home. When she came back with the cat, she has already bought the food without any problems.
Next day, when she wanted to buy dog ​​food, the clerk asked for proof, that the old lady really has a dog, claiming, that retirees often eat dog food themselves. Frustrated, the old woman went home to get her dog. When she showed it in the store, she had no problem getting the dog food.
The next day, the old woman brought a box with a small hole to the store. She asked the seller, to put his finger in the hole. The clerk hesitated, but when you assured him, there's nothing in the box, what could bite him, fulfilled her request.
– It smells like shit – he said, taking his finger out of the hole.
The old lady smiled:
– So you're going to sell me three rolls of toilet paper now?