Jokes about sex

– What do a penis and a light bulb have in common??
– Both can be replaced with a candle.

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– What the penis said to the condom?
– Cover me – I'm going in!

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– What is the most important rule in anal sex?
– Be behind.

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Two cowboys talk over beer about different sex positions.
– My favorite position is at the rodeo – says first.
– I mean what? – asks his friend.
– You start with your wife doggy style, and when you're nearing the end, you lean forward and whisper in her ear: “Your sister likes it too”. And then you have to hold on for more 8 seconds.

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– What's the difference between “ooooh!” i “ahh!”?
– About 10 centimeters.

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The young sailor was assigned to the aircraft carrier. The commander shows him around the ship.
– What are the guys doing here, to be satisfied? – the recruit asks.
– Come, I'll show you – the commander leads him to the stern of the ship, where there is a barrel with a hole.
– It will be the best sex, you ever had. Go and try, I'll wait for you here.
The sailor doesn't really believe it but decides to try. He is delighted.
– Wow! It really was the best sex of my life. I want to do it every day.
– All right. You can do this every day except Wednesday.
– Why not Wednesday.
– Because Wednesday is your barrel day.

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– What was your first time like?? – asks a gay friend.
– It's not worth talking. ass.

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A young couple went to the mountains for a winter weekend. When they got to the hut, The boy went to chop wood.
– Sweetheart, my hands are cold – he said, when he returned with the wood.
– Put them between my thighs, they will warm up – the girl suggested.
Before lunch, the boy went out again to chop wood.
– Sweetheart, my hands are cold again – complained to the girl.
– Put them between my thighs, they will warm up.
In the evening the boy went out to chop wood for the night.
– Sweetheart, my hands are cold now.
– For God's sake – answered the girl. – And your ears never get cold?

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The guy got a seat on the plane next to the most beautiful woman on board. As he greeted and sat down, he noticed, that a woman is reading a book on sex statistics. Curious, he asked her about the reading.
– This is a very interesting book – she replied. – The authors say, that Indians have the longest penises, and Poles have the largest diameter of members. In general, My name is Ewelina. And what's your name??
– I'm Winnetou Kowalski, Pleased to meet you.

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– Why women have sex with their eyes closed?
– They can't stand to see a happy man.

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– What is the maximum speed allowed in sex?
– Sixty-eight. By 69 you have to turn back.

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– doctor, when will i be able to have sex again? – Renata asks the doctor, waking up from anesthesia.
– You'll have to ask the superintendent – the doctor replies blushing. – You are the first patient, who asks me after having her tonsils out.

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A guy dropped by his girlfriend for a quickie. he asked her, to choose one of three condoms: gold, silver or bronze. The girl chose silver.
– Why not gold? – He asked.
– Because I want, you'll get a second one at least once.

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Konrad recently had a new girlfriend. Sex with her was great, and at the end she always stroked his testicles.
– Why do you always do this? – he had asked her once.
– Because I miss mine so much – she replied smiling shyly.

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– What is the definition of tough love?
– Two gay men with hemorrhoids.

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– Why bankers are good lovers?
– Because they know from practice the penalty for early withdrawal.

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The guy was walking around the city with his wife. As they passed by the perfumery, wife came in. A prostitute approached a man who was waiting outside the shop.
– We go? – she turned to him.
– For how much? – he asked.
– For two hundred.
– I can give you a breath.
She spat at his feet and walked to the corner.
A few moments later, the guy's wife left the store and they continued walking. On the corner, the guy noticed the same prostitute.
– You see, what the hell did you get? – she said, looking at his wife.

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During the Sunday mass, the priest, addressing women, he asked, for them to stand up, who are virgins. After a while, a lady got up from the bench, with a two-year-old child in her arms. This caused a general outburst of laughter.
– It was not me – the woman explained. – It's my daughter.

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1 + 1 = 3 (if you don't use a condom)

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The accountant went to prison for embezzlement. He was put in a cell with a huge dude.
– I want sex – says fellow prisoner. – Would you rather be husband or wife??
– If I must be one or the other – replies the accountant – I prefer to be a husband.
– Good – says the big guy. – Come then, suck your wife's baby.

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– Why women fake an orgasm?
– Because they think, that men care.

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A man is standing at a urinal in a public restroom. A hunchback approaches the urinal next to it. The guy looks to the side and sees, that the hunchback has a giant penis.
– Man, if i had one – he says to the hunchback – it would suck all day.
– What do you think, why have I become hunchbacked?

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– Why women don't have men's brains?
– Because I don't have a penis, they have nothing to put it in.

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The engine driver in the speeding express noticed a couple in love on the tracks in the distance. Because she didn't respond to his sound signals, hit the brakes hard. After much braking, the train screeched to a halt less than a meter in front of the steam.
– What are you doing man?! – shouted the jittery train driver to the man.
– When I heard the whistle of the locomotive – the guy explained – I knew, one of us has to stop. But you misunderstand, that I couldn't…

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– What to do, for the wife to scream for two hours after intercourse?
– Wipe the swab on the curtain.

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A guy passing by a brothel saw a couple having sex on the lawn. A few couples were playing behind the trees and a few more in the bushes. Curious, he went inside.
– What is going on here? – he asked the brothels.
– We have a sale.

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– What are you doing, for the wife to scream, when you have sex?
– I let her catch me doing it.

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– What is the smallest hotel in the world?
– Vagina, because you have to leave your bag outside.

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The idea of ​​a guy having two women at the same time amazes me. I was the closest to the triangle then, as I masturbated and switched hands.

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The man was accused of desecrating the corpse of a woman.
– I did not know, that she's dead – explained at the hearing. – I thought, that she is English.

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In the evening, a guy with a paper bag came into the hotel bar.
– What do you have in that bag?? – asked a beautiful woman sitting on a stool next to her.
– sorry, but I can't tell you that – he replied. – It's embarrassing.
Intrigued, the woman repeated the question many times. The man refused to answer but finally gave in.
– There's a pussy licking frog – he said.
The woman did not believe him. she asked him, to come with the frog to her room and demonstrate it. The guy complied with her request and went with her to the room. The woman undressed and went to bed. The guy put the frog under the covers and made it lick. But nothing happened. The man repeated the command. The woman began to get irritated, that nothing happens.
– She's obviously upset – the guy explained. – I have to show her again, how it is done.

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40-summer Danuta wanted to get married. However, she was ready to marry only a man, who has never made love to a woman. She posted an ad. The man answered him, who has spent his entire life in the Australian outback. After several weeks of long-distance courtship, they decided to get married. When on the wedding night Danuta entered the bedroom, her husband stood naked in the middle, and all the furniture was stacked in the corner.
– What happened? – she asked.
– I've never been with a woman – he replied. – But if it's like a kangaroo buzzing, I will need so much space, as much as possible.

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A woman came to the sex shop.
– I want that vibrator.
– It's not for sale – replied the seller.
– But I want this one – the woman persists.
– sorry, but it's not really for sale – repeats the salesman.
– I will give for him 500 zlotys.
– All right, since you insist – the seller agreed.
A few minutes later, the boss appeared in the store and asked how the trade was going.
– Pretty bad so far. But I just got it 500 PLN for your thermos.

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– Why sex is like playing bridge?
– If you have a good hand you don't need a partner.