Jokes about religion

– Lord God, maybe we could finally eat something warm in heaven, because it's always just sandwiches and sandwiches – complains St. Piotr.
– Is it worth cooking for two??

* * *

– What do we get by mixing holy water with castor oil?
– Religious Movement.

* * *

Jesus comes to the last supper, here's a party that never was. Lots of good food, the wine flows in streams, everyone amused.
– What is going on here? Where did you get the money for all this?? – asks the surprised Jesus of Peter.
– Nooooo I know. They say Judas sold something…

* * *

On the eve of the wedding, a couple of engaged couple died in a car accident. Once in heaven, they asked St. Peter if they can still get married.
– I'll check if it's possible – answered Peter. – wait here, be right back.
– So, we can do it for you – answered Peter when he returned after six months.
– We spent so much time together waiting for an answer. We must know, or if something goes wrong, we can divorce?
– It took me six months to find a priest here – replied an angry Peter. – How long do you think, I'm looking for a lawyer here?

* * *

The tram stopped suddenly. The standing girl by the force of inertia sat down on the lap of the sitting priest.
– I am very sorry, priest – says. – He stopped so quickly.
– It's the rectory's key, my child – replied the priest.

* * *

* * *

One parish priest, listening to Pope Francis, sold his car and started riding a bicycle. However, one day the bike died. The parish priest looked for him everywhere but to no avail. He finally came to a conclusion, that one of his sheep has gone astray. He told the curate about his trouble. The young priest suggested, to preach next Sunday 10 the commandments. “Do not steal!” should pronounce with special emphasis and scare with hellfire. Then the thief will feel such remorse, to return the bike. When Sunday came, the pastor preached. It was a good sermon but at “Do not steal!” he didn't mention hell. The vicar was surprised.
– Well… – said the parish priest. – I had prepared a few sentences about hell but when I got to “Don't commit adultery!” I remembered, where did i leave my bike.

* * *

Man: You brought religion into my life.
Woman: And? How?
Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in hell.

* * *

– Why only 40% men go to heaven?
– Because if everyone went, it would be hell.

* * *

A priest entered the provincial murder house and asks the first of the customers, would like to go to heaven.
– Sure, that I want – answers the questioned person.
– So leave this bar right now.
– And you, son you want to go to heaven? – he asks the next visitor to the dive.
– I want, please priest – he replies slurredly when asked.
– Then leave this bar immediately – the priest recommends.
The priest questions everyone in the bar this way. He finally reaches the last drunk.
– You wanna go to heaven man? – he asks.
– Doesn't want – he replies, looking up from his half-empty mug.
– like this? – the priest is surprised. – You don't want to go to heaven, when you die?
– when I die, that's for sure, that I want – replies the beer drinker. – I thought, that the priest is assembling the group, to go now.

* * *

After eight years of listening to prayers, God finally decided to grant Kowalski's three wishes.
– I want the coolest car in the world.
– Done.
– I would like the most luxurious cottage.
– you already have.
– And I want the best woman in the world.
God sent him Mother Teresa.

* * *

In the subway next to the priest sat a guy. His tie was stained, There were traces of red lipstick on his face, and a half-empty bottle of vodka protruded from a torn pocket. He took out a newspaper and started reading.
– What causes arthritis, please priest? – he asked after a few minutes.
– Promiscuous life, women of loose morals and alcohol abuse – he replied when asked.
– Well, I will be cursed – muttered the drunk as he turned back to the newspaper.
The priest thought about his answer and nudges the guy.
– Excuse me, I shouldn't be so literal about an unpleasant disease. You've had arthritis for a long time?
– I do not have, please priest. But I just read it, that the pope has.

* * *

Three nuns are talking.
– I was cleaning Father Wacław's room and found some Playboy issues under the pillow, so i burned them – says first.
– It's nothing – says the other. – I found a pack of condoms in his drawer. I poked holes in them with a pin.
– Oh my God! I have to go – a third jumped out of the chair suddenly.

* * *

The Lord Jesus was concerned about the plague of drugs, that have taken over the world. In order to solve this problem, he sent several apostles to Earth. They were supposed to take samples of various drugs, to understand how these substances work. Soon the students began to return. Jesus was waiting for them at the gate.
– Who's there?
– Marek.
– what did you bring?
– Marijuana from Colombia.
– All right, come in.
After a while there is a knock again.
– Who's there?
– Matthew.
– what did you bring, Mateusz?
– Cocaine from Bolivia.
– okay son, come in.
After a few moments, someone knocks again.
– Who's there?
– Jan.
– what did you bring?
– Crack from New York.
– Great, come in.
Finally someone starts pounding on the door.
– Who's there?
– Peephole.
– what did you bring?
– OPEN! POLICE!

* * *

– Will you be a faithful and loving husband? – the priest asks the groom.
– Will be, will be – the young lady answers quickly.

* * *

Jesus and Moses were walking on the beach.
– You know what? – said Moses. – I will try to part the waters of the sea again.
He spread his hands in the air, and miraculously the waters of the sea parted.
– And I will try to walk on water again – said Jesus when he saw this.
He went to the water, he took another step, but his foot submerged.
– try again, some time has passed – Moses advised.
Jesus put his foot on the water again, but his foot sank again.
– I know, what's the problem – he said coming out of the water. – When I walked on water before, I had no holes in my feet.

* * *

The nun was asking children from a Catholic school, what they want to be when they grow up.
– I want to be a prostitute – replied little Julia.
– What are you, ***, you said?! – shrieked her sister, her eyes wide in surprise.
– That I want to be a prostitute – repeated little Julia.
– Thank God – sister sighed with relief. – I thought, that she was a Protestant.

* * *

The poor pastor had problems with his church. The income was pitiful, the plumber was calling, the roof was leaking, the paint peeled off the walls, and the parish had no funds for repairs.
The priest came up with a brilliant idea. He bought a book on hypnosis and read it cover to cover. After the next service, took out a watch on a chain, rocked him and put the faithful into a hypnotic trance.
– Have everyone come and put it on the tray 20 zlotys – he said.
The parishioners did so, and the following week the parish priest ordered the church painted. Because the hypnosis worked, decided to apply it again the following Sunday.
– I want, for each parishioner to go to the altar and place it on the tray 100 zloty – he said after hypnotizing the faithful.
They listened to him and he was able to fix the roof and plumbing.
During the service the following Sunday, he began to think about it, his salary is meager, he should get a lot more.
– I deserve it, to go on vacation abroad and live in a beach house – he thought as he rocked his watch.
He was so excited, that his hands began to sweat. The watch slipped and fell to the ground.
– shit it! – shouted the priest.
It took two weeks to air the church…

* * *

A very religious guy had an atheist neighbor. He prayed day and night, spent most of the day in church, and the atheist, of course, didn't even think of praying. Nevertheless, the atheist was successful in life. He had a great one, well-paid job, beautiful wife, successful, healthy and talented children. A believing neighbor instead of a lousy job, low wages, his wife was getting fatter day by day, and the kids were terrible. One day, immersed in his regular prayer, he looked at him and asked:
– Lord God, i worship you every day, I am asking for advice, when a problem occurs, I confess my sins, and my neighbor doesn't even believe in you and he certainly doesn't pray. Meanwhile, he seems to be bestowed with all your favors, and my life is sad and full of insults. Why is it like that?
– Because he doesn't bother me all the time! – boomed a mighty voice from above.