Jokes about work

– It's not true, I do everything slowly – the employee says to the boss.
– What are you doing quickly?? – the boss asks.
– I get tired quickly.

* * *

The boss proposed sex to his secretary.
– I will throw a thousand zlotys on the floor and in time, when you collect them, I will do my thing.
The secretary called her boyfriend with a question, what does he think about it.
- Well, you know, I need some money to renovate my apartment. Agree but pick yourself up quickly, before he can undress.
The secretary accepted the boss's proposal. Half an hour later, she receives a call from her boyfriend.
- You picked up?
- I'm still collecting, he tossed dimes.

* * *

– What day is it today, Miss Zosia? – the director asks his secretary.
– Infertile, Mr. Director… Infertile…

* * *

On the plane at the busy airport, passengers are waiting for the pilots. At last, the captain and the co-pilot appear in the back of the plane. On the way to the cockpit, they pass along the machine. They both appear blind. They have dark glasses. The captain taps the passengers and seats with a white cane, to find a passage. The co-pilot has a guide dog on a leash. Passengers initially do not react judging, that's a joke. However, after a few minutes, the engines start and the plane begins to taxi. Passengers look at each other anxiously. They start whispering to each other. When the plane accelerates rapidly, start to panic. Some pray. The closer to the end of the runway, the more hysterical their voices become. When the plane is five meters from the end of the runway, the tone of voices rises sharply and everyone starts screaming. At the last moment, the plane detaches from the runway and rises into the air.
– You know, I dread this day the most, when the passengers don't scream and we don't know, when to pick up the machine – says the co-pilot, breathing a sigh of relief.

* * *

* * *

Why I killed my secretary?

I had a week ago 45 birthday. I expected, that at breakfast the wife will be nice, will wish me, and even give me a little present. She didn't even say “Good morning”, not to mention wishes. The children also ate breakfast without a word. I was depressed when I left the house.
– Good morning boss – Basia, my secretary, greeted me in the office. – Happy birthday.
I felt better, someone remembered. I worked until noon. Basia entered the office.
– Such a beautiful day and today is your birthday, let's go to lunch – she proposed. – Just you and me.
I thought, those are the best words, I heard today and agreed. We didn't go there, where usually, but pleasant, intimate eatery. We ate lunch and drank a glass of wine.
– Wonderful day – said Basia. – Do we have to go back to the office?
– I think, that no – I replied.
– Let's go to me – she proposed.
She lived nearby so we were there quickly.
– Excuse me for a moment, I'll change into something more comfortable – she said and left for the bedroom.
– Of course – I excitedly agreed.
After a few minutes, she came back dressed. She was carrying a large birthday cake. My wife followed her, children and some of my friends. Everybody was singing “Happy birthday”, and I was sitting on the couch…
… nagi.

* * *

– When will you be free?, to sharpen me? – the suspicious-looking guy asked as he poked his head into the barbershop.
– In about two hours – replied the barber, assessing the line of customers.
The guy smiled and left.
– You can check, where did he go? – the barber turned to a client friend.
After a while, my friend came back.
– And where did he go, how did he get out of here?
– To your house.

* * *

– What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
– A lawyer has no wings.

* * *

The Pope and the lawyer take the elevator to heaven. When they reach the gate, a crowd of angels and saints rushes, to greet them. The saints take the lawyer on their shoulders and carry him joyfully, cheering. The pope is saddened.
– Do not be sad – Saint Peter comforts him. – We have popes here in bunches, but it's not every day you get a lawyer.

* * *

Two prostitutes drove around town in a car. There was a banner on the roof of the car: “Two prostitutes – 200 zloty.” A policeman stopped them and ordered the banner to be taken down, because otherwise they will pay the fine. At one point, a car carrying a sign drove past them: “Jesus saves.”
– Why didn't you stop him?? – one of the prostitutes asked the policeman.
– Well, that's a bit of a different thing – the policeman smiled. – That inscription refers to religion.
The girls reluctantly took off their banner and drove away. The next day the policeman saw them again with a large banner on the car. This time the banner informed: “Two angels are looking for Peter – 200 zloty.”

* * *

The farmer ordered a modern milking machine. The device has been delivered, when his wife was not at home. He decided to test the milking machine on himself. He put his penis in the device and turned it on. After that everything was automatic. The machine gave him just as much pleasure, like a wife. But, when he finished, it turned out, that it cannot turn off the device. He looked at the manual, but didn't find the information I needed. Tried different buttons. The machine responded with a stronger or weaker squeeze, shaking and sucking but failed to turn off the device. The panicked farmer finally called customer service:
– Good morning, I bought your milking machine. It works fantastic but how can it be removed from the cow's udder?
– Don't bother your head about it – replied the consultant. – The device will disconnect automatically after downloading approx 4-5 liters of milk.

* * *

The sales representative offers the restaurant owner a barrel of red wine.
– Thank you, I have a lot of red wine.
– You will get a big discount.
– Not, Thank you.
– Please at least try it, is sensational.
– Please leave me alone, 'cause I'm gonna throw you down those stairs.
The representative still insisted, so the owner carried out his threat. Finding yourself downstairs, the salesman brushed off his suit and climbed the stairs again.
– The red wine thing is done. Maybe you can buy white?

* * *

Three robbers broke into the bank. However, they did not find the money. There were boxes in the torn safe, and cups full of yoghurt.
– There's no money, but at least we can eat – one of the burglars consoled his buddies.
When everyone had eaten their fill, left the bank. The next day the newspapers were full of headlines: “The world's largest sperm bank has been robbed.”

* * *

The data collector rang the doorbell of the house. It was opened by a young woman with three small children running around her. he asked, to answer some of his questions, and when she agreed, asked if he knew A-Cosmetics. When she answered, that she had not heard of it, he mentioned, that A-Cosmetics produces, among other things, petroleum jelly, and this product for sure knows. He asked if he used it.
– So, we use it, when my husband and I make love – replied the woman.
The interviewer was amazed.
– I always ask this question, because everyone uses our product but always talks, that they use it to lubricate the chain of a children's bicycle, door hinges or for other purposes. I know, that most people use it during sex, he just won't admit it. If you were so honest, could she tell me exactly, how do you use it.
– We smear it on the bedroom door handle, so that children cannot open them.

* * *

An elegant lady noticed tongues at the meat stand.
– What is this? – she asked the seller.
– These are tongues.
– I would never put anything in my mouth, what an animal had in its mouth.
The salesman nodded understandingly.
– O, I see, that you took 10 oh – he said, glancing at her basket.