Jokes about men
– I met my wife at a singles bar.
– Seriously?
– So. I thought, that he stays at home and looks after the children.
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– Why sleeping with a man is like a soap opera episode?
– Because when it gets interesting, it ends until next time.
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Three guys are sipping drinks at the bar, when a drunken guest walks in.
– Your mother is the best in bed in town – he staggers towards the guy in the middle.
Everyone present expects a riot, but the guy completely ignores the drunk. He goes to the corner of the bar.
– I just fucked your mother – says the drunk, coming back after a while. – It was sensational.
The guy ignores him again and the drunk walks away.
– Your mother even made me one… – the drunk speaks again coming up after a few minutes.
– Go home dad, you are drunk – Finally the guy responds.
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The Married Man's Dilemma: go out and watch it, what he can't have, or stay and have it, what he can't see?
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– This, where did my intelligence come from??
– You must get it from your mother, son, because I still have mine.
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– Why women fake an orgasm?
– Because they think, that men care.
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Tech-savvy father and son visited the mall. Almost everything amazed them, what they saw, especially the two silver shiny walls, that parted and slid together again.
– What is this, this? – the boy asked.
– I have no idea – father replied, who has never seen an elevator.
While, as they both watched the device with wide eyes, an old woman in a wheelchair drove up to him and pressed a button. The silver walls parted and the old woman rode between them into a tiny room. The walls closed, and above them began to flash small round lights. After a few moments, the walls parted again and a beautiful 20-year-old girl stepped out.
The father looked anxiously at his son.
– Go get your mother – he said.
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Two friends who like to make fun of each other met in a bar. One placed a hand on the other's bald head:
– wow, it feels like my wife's butt.
The bald man stroked his head:
– Actually! You're right.
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– Why men don't get mad cow disease?
– Because they are all pigs.
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A sale has been announced at the sexshop. Many men lined up in the night.
– Lord, what to do here? – one of the queuers asks the drunk guy standing behind him. – I want to cry but when I get out of line, they won't let me in here anymore.
– What are you up to? – answers the questioned person. – Put it in your pocket ago, what is in front of you.
– And she won't?
– And you felt?
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There was a guy who came home drunk every night. His wife finally decided to teach him a lesson, disguising himself as Satan and scaring him. As he staggered across the lawn one night, jumped out of the bushes howling like a demon.
– I'm not afraid of you – he mumbled. – I am married to your sister.
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Frenchman, An Italian and an Englishman were sitting next to each other on the plane. After a few drinks, they started talking about their family life.
– Last night I made love to my wife four times – praised the Frenchman. – And in the morning she made me delicious pancakes and said, that she loves me.
– And yesterday I made love to my wife six times – replied the Italian. – And for breakfast she made me a wonderful omelette and said, that she couldn't love someone else.
– How many times have you made love to your wife?? – the Frenchman asked the silent Englishman.
– Once.
– Only once? – asked the Italian mockingly. – What did she say in the morning??
– Do not stop.
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There were three friends. One of them, Bartek, he was an eternal optimist. Even in the worst of situations, he would say, that it could have been worse. This annoyed the other two friends, so they made up a story so terrible, that even Bartek would not find anything optimistic in it. The next day, only Piotr came for a beer with Bartek.
– Where's Michael?? – Bartek asked.
– You haven't heard anything? – answered Peter. – Yesterday Michał found his wife in bed with another man. He shot them both, and then he aimed at himself.
– It could be worse… – Bart said quietly.
– How, go to hell, it can be worse?! – Peter was surprised. – Your best friend killed himself!
– Because if it was two days ago, not yesterday, then I would be dead now.
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Three fishermen caught a mermaid. She asked, that if they let her out, it will grant everyone one wish. The first asked for his IQ to be doubled and immediately began reciting Mickiewicz flawlessly. The other wanted, to triple his IQ. And suddenly he began to find solutions to complex mathematical equations. The wish of the third fisherman was, to increase his IQ 5 times.
– Are you sure. that you really want it? – the siren asked.
– Absolutely – he replied.
The siren smiled, and the third fisherman became a woman.
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God created the earth, and that was good. Then God created woman, and it was even better. One day Eve said: “God, I am bored, can you do something about it?”
God answered: “I'll tell you what I'll do. I will create a man for you. He will cook, to clean, will be nice, sensitive, sweet, and will even open the door for you. He will be everything, what you ever wanted. But you have to do one thing”.
Curious, Eve asked: “Co?”
God replied: “You must make, would believe, that I made him first.”
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A man buys his wife a bra.
– What kind of breasts does the wife have? – the seller asks.
– Hmm… I do not know.
– Like grapefruits?
– Not, smaller.
– like oranges?
– Even smaller.
– Maybe like apples?
– Even smaller.
– It's like eggs?
– O, Exactly, like eggs – associates the guy. – planted…
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The guy went out on the balcony of his apartment on 5 floor. When he looked down, saw a woman sunbathing on a balcony two stories below, beautiful girl. She was wearing the skimpiest tan, he's ever seen. He watched her for three days and couldn't stand it any longer. He dropped a piece of paper on her string, on which he wrote: “If you want, to make love to you, pull the string once. If you don't want it, pull 20 times slowly, and then 10 times fast.”
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– Why men prefer a shower over a bath?
– Peeing in the tub is disgusting.
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– What will you give the woman, who has everything?
– Your phone number.
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– How many men do you need, to wash the floor?
– none. It's a job for women.
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Two drunk guys picked up girls in a bar. They took them home and put inflatable dolls in their beds. The next morning, one guy talks to another:
– My girlfriend was probably a witch, because when I bit her tit, she hissed and flew away.
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Three friends meet in a bar.
– I think, that my wife is having an affair with an electrician – says Jacob. – I found wire scraps under the bed, and I didn't leave them there.
– I think mine is having an affair with a plumber – says Stefan. – I found a key under the bed, and I certainly didn't put it there.
– And mine seems to be playing with a horse – says Mundek.
His friends look at him in disbelief.
– I'm serious. When I got home yesterday, I found a jockey under the bed.
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– What does a man have to do with a roller coaster at an amusement park?
– In both cases, you wait 3 hours for a two-minute round.
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– What is the male definition of safe sex?
– When his wife left.
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– Why do men name their penises?
– Because they don't want strangers to take over for them 90% decision.