Black humor
The guy's mother-in-law died. When his buddies from work came to the funeral home, they saw how the guy pressed his cheeks and forehead to the mother-in-law's cheeks.
– Why this sudden surge of affection?? – they ask him surprised. – from this, what you said came up, that you didn't like her.
– Boys, as i found out, that she kicked the calendar, I drank it for three days with joy. Now fuck me, head ****** a. And she's so cold…
* * *
First date:
– I work with animals on a daily basis.
– O, that's cute. And what are you doing?
– I'm a butcher.
* * *
The guy felt bad and came to the doctor.
– I have bad news for you – said the doctor after the examination. – It's very bad and there's not much life ahead of you.
– This is terrible! How much do I have left??
– 10…
– 10 months? weeks? Days?!
– 9… 8… 7… 6…
* * *
Joseph is on his deathbed. The doctor said, that he will not live to see the morning. Suddenly, he smelled his wife's favorite cookies coming from the kitchen. He wanted to try them one last time. He got out of bed and crawled into the kitchen. With all his strength he reached for one…
– Leave! It's for wake! – wife hit him with a rag.
* * *
– Mom! Mom! – screams the boy running to his mother. – Dad hanged himself in the basement!
The terrified mother runs to the basement. She looks around but does not see her husband.
– The first of April! – the boy yells. – Exactly, not in the basement, only in the attic!
* * *
Monster boy: Do you still have a big red heart, that I sent you for Valentine's Day?
Monster girl: So, mam. Thank you.
Monster boy: Still beating?
* * *
* * *
– I have good news and bad news for you – says the doctor to the patient.
– Say the good one first – the patient asks.
– you have left 24 hours of life.
– Co?! That's supposed to be the good news?! That's how bad it is?
– Hmmmm… I forgot to tell you yesterday.
* * *
– You are accused of killing a garbage man with a chainsaw – the judge addresses the accused.
– Lying bastard! – a shout echoes from the depths of the hall.
– You are also accused of killing a newsboy with a shovel – continues the judge.
– you bitch! – the same voice is heard from the hall.
– Silence in the room! – the judge shouted. – You are also charged with killing a postman with an electric drill.
– Ty tani sukinsynu! – the viewer shouts.
– You will be fined for contempt of court – says the judge to the guy in the courtroom. – What is the reason for your outbursts??
– Mr. Judge, I've lived next door to this lying bastard for ten years – explains the nervous guy. – And please imagine, that he never had tools, when I wanted to borrow!
* * *
The guy runs out of the hospital room, where his wife is:
– Doctor, my wife was in a coma for several months, but when I touched her left breast, she sighed!
– It's very encouraging – the doctor replied. – Go back to her and touch her right breast. I wonder if he'll respond.
Few minutes later, the man informs the doctor:
– Doctor, She groaned!
– Very good – said the doctor. – Now try oral sex. He will surely respond to that too.
Five minutes later, the man leaves the wife's room, white as a wall:
– Doctor, she died…
– Impossible! What happened? – doctor can't believe it.
– she choked.
* * *
The very old woman came to a conclusion, that she has seen everything, what she wanted to see, she did everything, what she had to do and it was time, to leave this world. After analyzing the different methods of suicide, decided to shoot herself in the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she called the doctor asking about the exact location of the heart. The doctor told her, that the heart is five centimeters below the left nipple.
The old woman hung up the phone, she aimed carefully and shot herself in the left knee.
* * *
– Mom! Mom! I got a five!
– And what are you happy? You still have cancer.
* * *
When I was younger, I hated weddings… All my aunts and elderly moms were poking me in the ribs and cackling: "You'll be next." They stopped, when I started telling them the same thing at funerals.
* * *
The heirs over the millionaire's bed.
– doctor, is there any hope?
– none. It's just a mild flu.
* * *
Two old men are sitting on a bench by the cemetery wall.
– How old are you? – asks one.
– 80. And you?
– And? 95.
– It's not really worth coming home to you anymore.
* * *
– And like surgery, doctor? – the patient's family turns to the doctor leaving the operating room.
– Operation? And it wasn't a section?
* * *
– When I leave here, doctor?
– How to free up space in the morgue.
* * *
A man in a white coat enters the hospital room and addresses one of the patients:
– How tall are you?, Mr. Kwiatkowski?
– 178, doctor.
– I'm not a doctor. I'm a carpenter.